Mean [Little] Girls

By Linda Shiue

At first glance, 3 year old Rachel appeared to be made of "sugar and spice and everything nice."  With golden waves of hair framing an angelic face, she seemed to be a good candidate for a new friend when my little one entered preschool.  

Soon, however, it became apparent that Rachel would be not everyone's friend, but instead a mini Queen Bee.  Her pretty exterior attracted all the little girls in her class.  She kept a few in her inner circle, but ignored the rest, telling them, "You are not my friend."  She even developed a complicated system that allowed her an eager acolyte every day she attended preschool, based upon the various part-time schedules her classmates had.  "You can play with me on Friday, when Elisa is not here," she told one girl.  "But if she is here, you can't play with me."  The tears she provoked in other little girls didn't seem to bother her.

It would be a relief if Rachel were an "evil" exception, but it has become clear to me over the years that cliques and popularity contests, meanness and overt bullying start early, even as early as toddlerhood.  This is far earlier than most parents expect, years before the more often discussed cyber-bullying among teens begins.

Recently,  The New York Times reported research in child development which confirmed my casual observations.  The article cites several recent statistics:

-a Harris poll of 1,144 parents nationwide found that 67 percent of parents of 3- to 7-year-olds worry that their children will be bullied.

-of 273 third graders surveyed in Massachusetts, 47 percent have been bullied at least once; 52 percent reported being called mean names, being made fun of or teased in a hurtful way; and 51 percent reported being left out of things on purpose, excluded from their group of friends or completely ignored at least once in the past couple of months.

Social scientists didn't begin studying bullying until the last decade, so there are many questions remaining on whether there is truly an increase in bullying among young children or if it heightened awareness, and if there is more bullying, the reasons for this.  Possibilities that researchers have considered include an effect of earlier-onset puberty and influence of the media.  One researcher quoted, Tracy Vaillancourt of the University of Ottawa, expanded on this point: "The research literature on aggression is very clear that... it's monkey see, money do.  Kids mirror the larger culture, from reality TV to materialism."  And as we are all aware, TV these days may not provide the best role models.  Meline Kevorkian, another researcher, explained, "What we see as comedy is actually making fun of other people."

Mirroring my observation that little girls at my daughters' preschool seemed more precocious than the boys at being bullies, were the findings of a study at Indiana University.  The research linked aggressive behavior to shows with stars deemed "socially aggressive."  Such shows included Disney's "Hannah Montana," superficially geared at teens but most popular with elementary age and even the under-5 set.  The study found that watching these programs increased the likelihood that girls, not boys, engaged in aggressive behavior.

Most frightening to me was the trend described by a Boston school guidance counselor, Erin Monroe.  She sees six year olds who are tormented for liking the wrong characters or shows "pulling their hair out, throwing up before school and complaining of constant stomachaches."  

Bullying is a serious problem, with major psychological consequences for children in their earliest stages of social development, when they are beginning to develop their sense of self-worth.  It is more than simply harmless "teasing."  Thankfully, public authorities advocate the importance of preventing bullying early.  Secretary of Education Arne Duncan discussed such efforts in elementary schools at a "Bullying Prevention Summit" in August.  This fall, "Stop Bullying Now!," a program developed by the Public Health Service, will target 5 to 8 year olds.  

I have seen a great example of a model whose aim is not simply "bullying prevention" but to create a positive school environment.  My children's school is a "Tribes Learning Community," an educational model which provides a positive environment for learning and social growth.  The goals are that children

-feel included and appreciated by peers and teachers

-are respected for their different abilities, cultures, gender, interests and dreams

-are actively involved in their own learning

-have positive expectations from others that they will succeed.

Four agreements are honored in a Tribes community, and children as young as 5 are able to remember, recite, and hopefully comprehend these tenets:

1) attentive listening

2)appreciation/no put downs

3) mutual respect

4) the right to pass

I'm curious to know what your experiences have been with bullying in young children.  Do you think this is a new or growing trend? Why do you think we're seeing so much bullying now? What have your local schools done to prevent bullying? 

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