kidlove

Dave Eggers' 826 Valencia: Hatching Young Writers

2010-03-12T04:14:36Z

"What about Lady Gaga?" one of the boys offered, when asked for suggestions for the protagonist of the story the class was making.

"She would be a great character," said the funny and talented teacher, Josh, "But she already exists in real life. We are going to be original and creative today."

And so began the two hour writing workshop at 826 Valencia, the children's writing and tutoring center co-founded by Dave Eggers in 2002. While Eggers, a former Salon.com editor known for A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius and McSweeney's, is no longer involved in the daily operations of this fantastic and inspiring place, his spirit and creativity linger on.

The need for a place dedicated to fostering children's creativity and improving writing skills to help them succeed in all subjects at school is felt profoundly these days. There are drastic cuts to funding for public education and class sizes are rapidly expanding. In an effort to improve the quality of public education, our schools' curricula have been adapting to standards based education, as legislated by No Child Left Behind. While standardization is aimed at improving the quality of all the public schools nationally to a minimum standard, an irrefutably good intent, a potential downside is that there may not be much room for creativity. But if we can make writing fun, we may be able to breed a new generation of writers.

826 Valencia is definitely fun. You enter the space through the Pirate Supply Store, the best place for San Francisco's pirate community to outfit itself, with striped shirts and tights, eye patches, rope, and just about everything else a pirate needs. The store's retail sales, along with donations, help support the free programs offered by 826 Valencia. The main space feels like a pirate's rec room, if there were such a thing. Behind red velvet curtains and up a tall wooden ladder are the behind the scene workers who, in the amazingly brief turn around time of two hours, turn the ideas of twenty or so school children into a book, printed, illustrated (live), and bound with individual endings and About the Author pages for each child.

I helped chaperone my daughter's second grade class to one of the workshops at 826 Valencia this week, and it was the most fun I have had on a fieldtrip, ever. I couldn't stop laughing.

Before the trip, I did not know how engaged the kids would be in the workshop. What happens to children's imaginations in the age of technology, where television, DVDs and Nintendo DS supply so many images? I worried that kids might no longer be able to dream up their own stories, fantasies, or worlds.

I needn't have worried. In a democratic, supportive and collaborative way, the facilitator reviewed the structure of a story (beginning, middle, end, with a protagonist and his side kick, and a villain) before drawing out the kids' ideas. He introduced the kids to the word "nemesis."

Votes were taken with a show of hands for each character and the story line, and with great speed and accuracy, but also with creativity, two other teachers, both named Laura, turned the kids' ideas into a coherent story. One of the Lauras, a great illustrator, interpreted the kids' ideas and descriptions into drawings (something like criminal suspect sketching, I guess) to illustrate the story.

The story was titled, "Ch'chair and the Escape from the Squeesquack Desert." The nemesis, it was decided, was the leader of the Ice People, who prevented Peanut Man and his sidekick, Porange (a pomegranate with a orange peel skirt) from moving beyond the boundaries of Squeesquack,the desert in which they lived. The leader's name was Ch'chair, but he was often called Keith. (These kids and their free imaginations!) Ch'chair and his Ice People wanted to have all of the peanuts from the peanut trees that encircled the desert.

After the story was 75% complete, the kids split up into tables to work on their individual endings to the story. There was a great variety in how each child thought the story should play out:

"They got rid of the Ice People by melting them."

"They did their plan, and it worked. Porange went on her side and rolled away, plus Peanut Man did that too. The Ice People were sad and Squeesquack never had a problem again."

During the creation of the story, the workshop was punctuated by the disembodied voice of Mrs. Blue, the Editor. Her raucous voice periodically interrupted the workshop with incantations to hurry up, to meet the deadline. The legend is that Mrs. Blue rejects nearly everything submitted to her. The kids huddled together cross legged at the bottom of the stairs, in nervous anticipation of whether or not Mrs. Blue would accept their story endings for publication. Thankfully, there was a 100% acceptance rate. Much relief in that crowd.

The workshop we attended was staffed by students from Slippery Rock college in Western Pennsylvania, who were there as volunteers on their Spring break. The place is staffed largely by volunteers, many of whom are professional writers. There is a drop-in afterschool program mainly for tutoring, which is how 826 Valencia started out. There is also a multitude of writing workshops, including some for adults. The workshops are project-based and run the gamut from cartooning, college entrance essay writing, journalism, SAT prep, and starting a 'zine. Here is a link to a video clip which offers a glimpse into some of the 826 Valencia programs.

If I were a kid, I would be [Lady] Gaga over this place. 826 Valencia has expanded nationally, with chapters in NYC, Los Angeles, Michigan, Seattle, Chicago and Boston, so you may find another location in your neck of the woods. Programs like this will hopefully keep creativity alive, even in the face of standards based teaching. If my daughter's class was any indication, these programs will produce a new crop of writers who will pen stories about Ice People in the Desert, and expand their imaginations beyond their television horizons of Sponge Bob and Harry Potter.

What types of programs do your communities have to promote a love of learning and creativity in school children?

Move Over Hanna Andersson, Hessnatur Is Here

2010-02-20T06:07:08Z

If I can't find my kid's clothes at the local thrift store, I try to buy from socially responsible companies like the Swedish based Hanna Andersson. There are a lot of other organic kid's clothing stores, but Hanna Andersson's prices are good as is the quality. Well tonight I came across a Hanna alternative that I love. Hessnatur is a German based company that is doing all the right things by the environment and is making eco-friendly, adorable, well-priced clothing for kids and adults alike. Read this on how the dress in the photo above is made:

Easy and comfy maritime style dress with soft front pleats. This organic cotton is the product of a groundbreaking fair trade project in Burkina Faso, where a special premium is paid to support the development of a whole community - and to encourage increased organic cultivation.

I highly recommend checking out their entire site as it is a great place to shop for the whole family!

Genetic Screening or Eugenics?

2010-01-30T17:31:03Z

A start-up company in Silicon Valley has released a test which will allow prospective parents to find out if they are carriers for genetic diseases. The company, Counsyl, tests saliva samples submitted by customers for the genetic mutations associated with 100 rare genetic diseases, including Pompe's disease, which is featured in the film, "Extraordinary Measures."

Besides being easy to do (DIY sampling at home), the test, called the Universal Genetic Test, is also relatively inexpensive- $349 for an individual, $698 for a couple. The company's 29 year old Chief Technology Officer, Balaji Srinivasan, is quoted in the New York Times as saying, "The goal is not to maximize revenue but to bring the benefits to humanity," he said. "Nothing is more relevant than making sure your child doesn't die from a preventable disease."

The test, which the company publicized heavily last week when "Extraordinary Measures" was released, has been offered mainly by fertility clinics, who use genetic testing to screen embryos before implanting them during in-vitro fertilization (IVF). Embryos which test positive for a genetic disease would not be implanted.

But the test is also available directly to consumers over the Internet. The proposed advantages of this is that individuals could get information about whether they carry DNA which would increase their risk of having a child with a genetic disease. The test is limited to only 100 diseases out of thousands of genetic diseases, however. Also, carrying a marker for a disease does not mean that it would be expressed, or if so, in any significant, noticeable way. Indeed, according to the New York Times, "Counsyl executives say 35 to 40 percent of people tested are carriers for at least one disease in the test. In about 0.6 percent to 0.8 percent of cases, they say, both members of the couple are carriers for the same disease."

Counsyl's at-home test, and other DNA tests like it, gives consumers direct access to their DNA information without providing genetic counseling about what their true risks would be. As a result, some people may decide not to have children at all, or may choose to go through IVF so that only "healthy" embryos are implanted. That sounds dangerously close to eugenics.

It's not even clear how accurate the test is. According to the New York Times article, Counsyl has not published any scientific papers about its results, and the test has not been scientifically validated by external reviewers. The FDA does not generally regulate home-based DNA testing.

While a innovative idea, Counsyl's test brings up many ethical issues. It may also be a false promise to those who think they will be guaranteed a healthy baby after getting back normal results. By providing consumers data without context or counseling, this may be a case of giving people more information than they know what to do with. Or as Albert Einstein said, "A little knowledge is a dangerous thing. So is a lot."

Have I Turned Into A Stage Mother?

2010-01-29T21:08:45Z

By Linda Shiue

I'd never imagine myself as a stage mother. An introvert myself, I understood in my soul the terror my similarly introverted daughter must have felt as she walked into the performance space for the first time. While she had spent weeks practicing both her music and her confident bow, all of that preparation melted away as soon as we set foot into the church that was to hold her first ever piano recital. She wouldn't budge, and began clinging to me. I wasn't all that surprised. I had actually been surprised at how confident she had been in the weeks before the recital, but she had started mentioned her fears in the few days prior. Her piano teacher, who had known her since her first lesson six months earlier, also knew about her shyness. She came over cheerfully to greet us, then said, fairly immediately, "You don't have to play today, if you don't want to."

I smiled and gave my appreciation for her understanding, but felt defeated inside. I knew that given this entre, my daughter would not perform, despite her love of playing piano, and all of the weeks she had spent practicing and looking forward to this performance. Who wouldn't take the chance to cop out?

My daughter was listed second on the program. I told the teacher, maybe later? So we agreed that my daughter might perform as the last one before the intermission. No go. In the brief intermission, I cajoled her, offering to sit with her, offering to not sit with her. I began to unload a list of bribes, including the chance to wear nail polish, which she knew I didn't think belonged on the nails of little girls. I talked about the fact that her aunt and uncle had flown all the way from the opposite coast to hear her play, and had brought her her first ever "real jewelry" to wear as a good luck charm. That wasn't enough. I checked in with her after each performer played to see if she felt ready to play. No.

Then I remembered a principle of parenting young children, which is that offering them infinite choices is overwhelming, and not actually something they want. Children feel happier and more comfortable given a decision between two concrete choices. So I tried that: "Do you want to go after Max, or at the end of the whole recital?" Without any hesitation, she said "I want to go last."

So she did get up, to everyone's surprise, including her father, sitting next to her. She didn't take off her coat (despite the beautiful "gown" and "high heels" she had wanted just for this performance). She didn't bow quite as nicely as she has rehearsed over and over at home. She didn't make eye contact with her audience. But she played confidently, and to her mother's ears, as flawlessly and beautifully as could be.

At bedtime, I congratulated her again on overcoming her fear, and for her wonderful first recital. She said, "Mama, do you know, I was so afraid, I felt like if someone was going to kill me."

"Kill you? Why..."

"No, I knew nobody was going to hurt me, but that's how afraid I was, and my heart was going boom-boom-boom."

"I'm sorry, sweetie. I didn't want to force you, but I knew you could do it, and you would be disappointed after all of your hard work if you left without playing."

"Yes, Mama, and that is why you are the best Mama in the world. You are always looking out for me."

She cuddled with me, and I felt relieved that I had made the right decision, in persuading her to perform despite her fear. I didn't want to force her, but I knew that if she didn't perform this time, she would have the same anxiety at the next recital in four months.

But did I push too hard? Have I turned into a stage mother? I was horrified at the degree of terror my daughter reported feeling. (Although she is prone to hyperbole.) Was this overparenting, or old-fashioned parental encouragement to excel? It had been my daughter's choice to take piano lessons. I had specifically chosen a teacher whose reputation was excellent, and who was known for being encouraging, rather than fostering competitiveness. Even so, regular recitals are a normal part of musical training. That's why I made the effort to help my daughter get over her fear of performing. But should I have just let her watch the other students perform, and not insisted that she do so? Despite considering myself a modern parent, I sometimes feel that kids are given too many choices these days. Sometimes, as adults, we have to do things because we need to, even if we really don't want to. If we don't teach our kids that lesson, can they learn it on their own, when the decisions are more significant?

_______________________________________________________

A version of this essay was published in The New York Times 1/29/2010.

Raising Girls

2010-01-06T06:39:27Z

By Linda Shiue

A recent conversation I had with a friend led me to reflect on how I am raising my two young daughters. I am someone you might expect to be rigidly and consciously raising my daughters in a nonsexist way: I am a feminist, working in medicine, a traditionally male-dominated field. I consider myself low maintenance in my grooming and appearance, both by choice and by convenience (there are a million other things I'd rather do with the time it would take to put on makeup of blowdry my hair, starting with sleeping). But I am also a girly girl sometimes, and my favorite colors include fuschia and purple. I wear pants a lot of the time, but I also love to wear dresses. I admit that I like chivalry sometimes. As a result, while I am thoughtful about the messages I show my girls regarding gender roles, I am not dogmatic. My girls love to wear pink, and dresses, and I don't stop them from wearing those. I don't stop their dad from wearing pink and purple, either.

When I was growing up, there really was not much in the way of commercialism, and certainly very little of it was available to me. With an older brother I shadowed, I essentially grew up playing with whatever he did. That means I built forts, played with those little green army figures, rode bikes, collected rocks, and sometimes tadpoles.

But I did it wearing dresses almost all the time. My parents, both scientists, were frugal, and that was part of the reason I never owned many dolls. I played with my brother's hand me downs. The one time a year my parents would splurge on things would be over the holidays, when there was a fantastic array of science related kits and toys for sale at their research institute. I drooled over the chemistry sets, spy kits, and fiberoptic flashlights we received. I also hung out with both of my parents from time to time in their laboratories.

I was, from the beginning, a serious child and curious student, and as a result, rarely got in trouble at school. But one time, around 3rd grade, I was in serious trouble. My father had brought home something interesting from work to let us have for a few days, and I had brought it to school. I thought everyone at school would be really interested in this treasure as well, but the cafeteria aides did not agree. I guess the little glass jar of rat brains (plural), floating in formaldehyde, were not quite appropriate for me to be showing off at lunch. Not very girly, either.

I am certain that my parents were not explicitly trying to raise me in a non-sexist, feminist way (they would not have even understood those terms, as recent immigrants). As recent arrivals, they knew the path to a better life was through education. They made it clear that there would be no limit to the educational opportunities open to me and my brother, and no differentiation between us. The sky was the limit, limited only by our ambition. I never wanted to be the first girl or woman to do anything; I just wanted to be the first and the best.

How I was raised (as a gender-neutral scientist) may explain my approach to raising my girls. I am conscious about not creating rigid gender roles for them, and in a relaxed way am trying to keep their world as gender neutral as possible. When I was able to spend the most time with them, in their infancy and toddlerhoods, I introduced them to books, music, nature and science, as opposed to ballet and gymnastics. It is normal to them that doctors can be female, since their mom is. They see me cook and bake, because that is my obsession. But they have also seen me use a drill and a hammer, and they have observed me managing the all-male team who worked on our house. Through my example, I hope my daughters are growing up unaware that many people believe that some jobs are for men, and others for women, either in or outside the home. We are lucky to be raising them in Northern California, where most people we know are like-minded.

The one arena in which I am unbending is regarding dolls. My daughters have babydolls, which are completely genderless (in fact, their dolls have never had proper names, but instead somewhat bland names such as "yellow baby" and "pink baby"). But I won't let them buy a Barbie, or a Bratz doll, and have gone so far as to give away those dolls when well-meaning friends or colleagues have given them as gifts. Having these dolls just doesn't make any sense to me, since they don't resemble any normal type of human, and I have no interest in promoting an unrealistic body image.

How has this played out? I don't know what this indicates, but my older daughter, having gone through a Princess phase, now has a penchant for reading dry biographies. My little one wants to be a pirate when she grows up. But we know that none of us can isolate our kids from outside influences. While I restrict their television watching as much as possible, you wouldn't know it from what they have learned from other kids at school. Sure enough, from preschool age, I have heard my daughters talk about "boy things" and "girl things."

And so, I interrogated:

"What are 'boy things'?" I asked my second grader.

"Boy things are things like Star Wars, superheroes." she said, in the tone of, don't you know anything? "Why did you like that stuff when you were little, Mama? Did you like Transformers? Did you watch Spiderman?"

"Well, I did that because I did everything your uncle did."

She thought for a minute. "I like boy things! I like Pokemon and Star Wars."

"Why do you like those?"

"Because they're fun, they're cute."

"Why are they boy things?"

"Because a lot of boys like them." (Makes sense.)

"Can girls play with them?"

"Yes!"

"What are girl things?"

"Strawberry Shortcake, Princess things, Wizard of Oz and Charlie Brown ."

"Are there girl colors and boy colors?"

"Boys like dark blue and green, like me, and girls like pink and purple and violet and yellow and red," she answered confidently.

"Why do you like dark blue and green?"

"They are pretty to me." (Again in the tone of, why are you asking the obvious?)

True words, from the mouths of babes. So it seems that what my kids have figured out so far is that there may be "boy" and "girl" labels on colors, toys, and activities, but-- and this distinction is crucial-- both boys and girls can like any of these, if they want to.

So far, so good.

When Is A Kid Old Enough to Call Friends on the Phone?

2009-12-11T08:21:04Z

Image via Wikipedia

By Linda Shiue

A few weeks into the Kindergarten year, my daughter's teacher went over her "assessment" test and pointed out that she had lost points for not knowing her phone number, mailing address, and zip code. (If I had known she was supposed to know those as part of her score, I would have taught her!) I quickly understood that knowing at least the first two bits of information is important for safety. Example: this picture of my husband, circa 1972, calling on an old fashioned rotary phone. According to family legend, he is calling the police to report his parents for not watching him closely enough, and that's how he fell (see bloody band-aid on his forehead). And I now make sure my kids know our home number, my cell number, and 911.

But what about calling just to say hi, teenage style? Since starting second grade my otherwise reticent daughter has been eager to call one friend of hers at night, after school. I was caught by surprise by this request, since I was not accustomed to calling friends just to chat until maybe 6th or even 7th grade. Tonight, as a special treat, I allowed her to call her friend, whom I will refer to as Ann, not her real name, under my supervision, after she had done her homework, practiced piano, etc. The conversation was remarkably tween/teen-like:

Daughter: Hi, Ann! What are you doing?

Ann: Nothing.

Daughter: Have you had dinner yet?

Ann: Not yet.

Daughter: What is your mom making? Ooh- you got Chinese takeout from Stonestown? Panda? Yum!

Ann: <>

Daughter: What are you wearing tomorrow?

And so on.

At what age do you think it is appropriate for kids to chat on the phone like this? When do they "need" cell phones?

Sibling Rivalry

2009-12-03T05:36:54Z

Image via Wikipedia

By Linda Shiue

The days are getting shorter, and by the time I make the 45 minute drive from work to my daughters' school to pick them up, it is very dark and I am very tired. I actually tripped on the last step at their school and sprained my ankle tonight, just yards from returning to the car.

After hobbling to the car, the last thing I wanted to hear was the usual backseat squabbling and competition for my attention. The simultaneous shouting is incomprehensible, cacophonous, and usually escalates to actual fighting. It sounds something like "Mama! MA! MA! alijt059DHY69374=0-0987@#465! Screech!" I was not at all in the mood to hear that tonight.

"Please be good, kids." I said. "Mama is in a lot of pain. Here are some M&M's." (Remainders from the confiscated Halloween candy from last month. And yes, I do realize I violated a basic parenting rule against bribery.)

And... it worked!

So instead of the screaming cacophony, I heard two distinct voices and a dialogue tonight:

7 yo: "You know what? It seems like the big brother or sister, the big sibling, is usually the meanie."

Mama: "What do you mean?"

5 yo Yeah! Like you (referring to her sister)!"

7 yo "Mm-hm."

Mama: "Why do you say that?"

7 yo: "Well, because before the younger sibling is born, the older one is used to being the most important one in the world, but after the younger one is born, the older one doesn't get any attention."

Ouch.

So despite my throbbing, swollen ankle, fatigue from a long day, and the insistent, constant and forte competition for attention from my younger daughter, I held my older girl on my lap tonight for her piano practice. This little extra bit of attention really worked. I'll have to remember this the next time I wonder why the 7 year old is pinching her baby sister.

Consumer Guide to Toxic Chemicals in Toys

2009-12-02T20:19:33Z

HealthyStuff.org has tested thousands of toys since 2006. These test results are intended to help consumers with the information they need to make better choices when purchasing toys and other children's products.

Third Annual Consumer Guide to Toxic Chemicals in Toys to be Released for 2009 Holiday Shopping Season

Despite public outrage and new consumer protections to restrict lead and phthalates in children's products, the Ecology Center's latest research of popular children's toys and apparel still found lead, cadmium, mercury, bromine, chlorine (PVC), arsenic, and other harmful substances on store shelves. This year's findings show that lead - which has been linked to developmental and learning disabilities - is still being found in many products. However, an analysis of three years of test data shows the number of toys with elevated lead has been decreasing steadily.

Read a summary of testing results.

Toys tested in 2009 can be viewed, by level of chemical of concern detected, at the following links:

Products with No Detected Chemicals of Concern*
Products with Low Concern Levels
Products with Medium Concern Levels
Products with High Concern Levels

How To Stop Plastics From Turning Your Unborn Boy Into A Girl

2009-11-20T18:25:23Z

I have been warning my friends and family about the dangers of plastic for years. Well it seems that plastic is up to no good again. Planet Green reports:

Of all the charges leveled at plastics: the health risks, the waste creation, the resource-intensive production--this one is definitely the strangest. New research suggests that if women pregnant with boys are exposed to certain plastics, it will alter the brains of their unborn children. And make them girlier.

Seriously.

According to the BBC, researchers have found that pregnant women who were in contact withphthalates, a chemical prominent in many prominent plastic products, subject their child to a bit of unintentional gender-bending: "Males exposed to high doses in the womb went on to be less likely to play with boys' toys like cars or to join in rough and tumble games, they found."

Read the full story here.

Stealing Halloween Candy at School

2009-11-06T16:49:23Z

By Linda Shiue
I blame it on the full moon. My husband was traveling. I was rushing to pick up the kids from childcare. My cell phone rang. I picked it up, thinking it was my husband calling to tell me he had arrived safely. It was not. It was that dreaded call, which is any call from school, that gets my heart racing. At least, after identifying herself, the childcare director reassured me, "It's not an emergency."

"OK," I said. "I am actually in the car on the way, driving on the highway."

Normally, that would have been enough to get a response like, "Alright, we'll talk when you get here." Instead, I was uncharacteristically sternly told of what my 5 year old had done wrong. My little 5 year old Delinquent.

Apparently, my Delinquent, emboldened by two equally bold compatriots at school, whom I will refer to as Twin #1 and Ringleader, slipped away for who knows how many minutes, out of sight of the childcare teachers into the FORBIDDEN teachers lounge and hid away, eating the FORBIDDEN teachers' Halloween candy! The word used was "stolen."

I began by apologizing but by also thinking, well, everyone makes a mistake once.

"And it's not the first time Delinquent has done something like this. There was that time she went outside to the front of the school to play with the Other Twin."

WHAT???

"Sorry," I said again, this time not using the word to apologize, but to say EXCUSE ME?? "I was never told about that."

I finally get to the school, not enraged, but needing to find out what happened. Only Delinquent and Ringleader were still there, so I brought Delinquent over to Ringleader, holding her hand, and asked both of them, "Who would like to tell me what happened?"

And I see it- an expression I recognize from Delinquent's face, but this time on Ringleader's face: the one that says, "I am so cute, I can get away with anything, right?" Cute on one's own child's face, downright frightening on someone else's.

I decide to focus on my own Delinquent ("D").

Me:    "Tell me three reasons why what you did was wrong." (I am operating on the principle that learning is best accomplished by coming up with the answer on one's own.)

D:     "Huh?"

Me:   "What was wrong with what you did?"

D:      "Um, there's a stove?"

Me:    "Yes, what else?"
D:    "You can get owwie?"

Me:    "Yes, that is the same thing. That means it is dangerous to go in the teacher's lounge, which is why it is off limits. Tell me two other things."
D:   "I don't understand what you are asking!:

I decide my Socratic method is not working.

Me:    "The three things are: it's dangerous, it is off-limits, and you STOLE something that did not belong to you!"

She looks at me blankly.

Me:    "So that means, you need to give away all of your Halloween candy back to the teachers, to say you are sorry."

D:     "Not all!"

Me:    "OK, I will let you keep two pieces that I will give back to you in two weeks, if you learn your lesson."

D:    "What lesson?"

Me:    "What were the three things I just told you?

D:     "I don't know! (Wail!)"

That was yesterday.

Today, I said, "OK, pick out the two pieces of candy that you will get in two weeks, if you continue to behave."

D:     "No, now!"
Me:   "No, we already said that it would be in two weeks."
D:     "Do you mean like Saturday?" (That's two days from now.)

Time is too abstract. Candy is concrete. I am hoping that this punishment fits the crime, but who knows, two weeks from now, I may even forget the three reasons why what she did was wrong.

Kids and Imaginary Friends

2009-11-05T03:03:39Z

By Linda Shiue

My daughter's 2^nd grade teacher has given a really fun, year-long class assignment. She has a Curious George doll who is sent home with a different student each week, along with a journal. The student is supposed to write each day about Curious George's adventures and mischief. My daughter has George this week. I took a look at what the previous kids had written, and was struck by how busy with activities many of her classmates are, and how varied their lives are.

In a previous post, I talked about how it is sometimes difficult to get detailed information from your kids at the end of the day. Curious George, or another such stand-in, seems to be a great way to get kids to talk not only about what they did, but how they felt about their experiences, their understanding of various situations they found themselves in, their worries, and perhaps also their fantasies about what they would like to do if they could get away with it.

Examples of these, excerpted from the class Curious George journal:

Activities- soccer, Arabic class, piano, Tae Kwon Do, Chinese school

Discipline-"I took Curious George to tea...While my mommy and I were not looking he stole some sugar cubes from the sugar bowl. Then he knocked over his tea cup. What a mess! We decided that he needed to learn better manners, so we took him home."

"Curious George went on the bus with me. He stole one dollar and ripped it...When I got home I said to Curious George, 'you will be in your room until tomorrow morning and have dinner in your room.'"

Worries- "When papa and I went to the movies Curious George made too much noise and we got kicked out."

Thoughts of mischief- "When I got home, George was spreading confetti all over the place. Then, he did kung fu, he kicked and punched all the tables and doors in the house. I told him stop that curious behavior. Before dinner, George played with matches. I told him to stop playing with matches."

Studies in child development and psychology have shown, in fact, that there can be great value in having a doll like Curious George, or another such "humanized object," or similarly, having an imaginary friend. Psychologists say that having imaginary friends is a normal part of childhood development; around 65% of children aged between three and nine report having an imaginary friend. Most commonly it is first born or only children who have imaginary friends.

This figure sounds a bit high to me-- while I have heard of imaginary friends, I only know of one child who has an imaginary friend. My friends' son, Oliver, started talking about his friend, Dorothy, between the ages of 2 and 2-1/2. Dorothy, it took me months to realize, is male. He is mentioned multiple times a day, pretty much every day, and seems to have quite the adventurous life. Oliver's mom told me that Dorothy "flies airplanes all over the world (went to 'Sacramento Asia' this morning - usually to places he's heard us talk about or visited); Dorothy has rocket ships, cars - really big cars - occasionally 'knows everything'." Dorothy seems to be brought up most often when others are having conversations in Oliver's presence, but not including him. Oliver has also been starting to use Dorothy stories to divert attention from topics he'd rather not talk about, such as potty training. As varied as Dorothy's adventures are his characteristics: Dorothy can be any given age on any given day, consistently has a mom, dad and brother, but other sibs/relatives come and go. "Sometimes," Oliver's mom says, "Oliver calls Dorothy on his play phone and has what sound like great conversations - it really does sound like you're hearing one end of a normal conversation."

Fascinating stuff, right?

Not only is having an imaginary friend a normal part of child development, but recent research has shown that kids who have imaginary friends are more likely to be better communicators and story tellers than those without. According to psychologist Evan Kidd at Melbourne, Australia's La Trobe University, children with imaginary friends are better at learning to communicate than other children because they have a lot of practice at inventing interactions with their friends, which helps them improve their conversational skills.

He also found that the benefits of having an imaginary friend may also be long lasting: in another study, Kidd found adults who remembered having an imaginary friend to be more creative, achievement oriented and emotionally responsive than those who did not recall having had an imaginary friend.

Did you ever have an imaginary friend? How old were you, and what was his or her name? What did you and your imaginary friend do together?

Getting Your Kids to Talk

2009-10-29T22:16:38Z

By Linda Shiue

"What did you do in school today?"

"Nothing."

I am sure you have all heard that from your kids. Sometimes it really was a routine day, learning math, learning reading, going to recess, etc... But my sweet little kindergartner, in particular, either cannot recall her day or is not interested in sharing it. I guess you could say that she "lives in the moment." When I asked her about how her day was yesterday, she said "good, we did the same things we always do." Contrast this canned answer to the report from her teacher (who is so great to share lots of information on her class blog):

"We had a wonderful day today. It started with sushi making...yum!, and continued with...reading a book about Jackson Pollock, showing excerpts from a movie which showed how Pollock painted. Joel brought in some canvases and talked about the colors of the season.
After lunch Tree Frog Treks arrived with tortoises, iguanas, lizards, and two pythons. The smaller of the two did indeed get wrapped around my neck, choke!, and the necks of some brave kids. The larger one spanned with width of the rug and many kids lined up, really down, to have that gorgeous snake across their bodies..."

Does this sound like "nothing" to you? I wish I had that day. Rightfully so, her teacher concluded,

"So if you asked your child what happened at school today and they said, Nothing, you can bust them!"

I think it is never too early to get the lines of communication going, so that when they're teens, the more difficult issues that come up can be part of a long-established, on-going conversation. Plus, getting your kids to open up to you is the best way to establish a bond, and get to know that very interesting little person who is your child.

Here are a few tips on communicating with your child:

Use open-ended questions- admittedly, this does not guarantee a detailed answer (see above). But this is the preferred approach. Say: "What did you do in school today?" Instead of "Did you have fun in school today?" or other closed-ended questions which can be answered with a yes or no.

Listen- if you are not focused on your child, she will know. That means no absent-minded "uh-huh." Take your eyes off your computer/smartphone/paperwork/TV and look at your child if you really want her to share her world with you. You may be surprised at how much she'll tell you.

Talk to other parents- it would be nice if we could all spend hours in the classroom with our children, but some parents have this luxury more than others. So talk to them! You'll be surprised at how much they know about your child, and what different perspectives they may have.

Know your kids' friends- not only is this a safety issue, but if you spend time with your child and her friends, you may learn something from their conversations with each other.

Have dinner together- a distraction-free (i.e. TV-free) dinner is a natural time to get a conversation going. Not only that, but lots of research suggests that family dinners are the best way to prevent a myriad of future problems including substance abuse, smoking, depression, eating disorders, and even asthma attacks.

Does anyone have other advice on ways to get your kids to spill the beans about their experiences with you?

Baby Einstein = Baby Genius?

2009-10-27T16:47:24Z

By Linda Shiue

I was comparing notes the other day with some friends who, like me, watched an awful lot of TV in the 70s and 80s... starting with Schoolhouse Rock, Electric Company and Sesame Street, and advancing to Scooby Doo, Mork and Mindy, and The Love Boat. Not recommended, but we all turned out OK.

At that time, though, the earliest we started our TV habits was in the preschool years. Enter the 2000s, and we saw the introduction of infant oriented educational TV. Most parents who had a child born in the early 2000s bought Baby Einstein DVDs for their infants and toddlers, at face value for some sweet, old fashioned videos with a classical music soundtrack. If classical music is thought to be good in utero and in early childhood for brain development, then maybe these videos could do the same! I was one such mom, and I must have watched the Baby Mozart and Baby Shakespeare DVDs dozens of times between my two kids. I never thought it would make them smart, but it couldn't hurt. I certainly did not expect a money-back guarantee!

So what a surprise to find out that, with the aid of some parent advocates and public interest lawyers, the Disney company, which bought the Baby Einstein company a few years ago, is actually offering full refunds to people who were misled into thinking that buying Baby Einstein videos=making a baby genius. Go ahead and get your refunds!

But what does the science tell us?

Well, don't panic, but based upon the scientific data out there, the American Academy of Pediatrics actually recommends ZERO screen time for kids under two, and further warns that TV watching in the infant age group could actually cause harm. Some of the problems suggested by various studies included issues with memory, attention, and language fluency. The jury is still out, but it pretty clear that there are better ways to stimulate your babies' minds:

-good old fashioned play

-music

-talking and reading to them

Like all the best things in life, free of charge and with a minimal carbon footprint.

Interested in learning more about the effects of TV on infants and toddlers? PBS Parents gives a great summary of these issues.

Is There a Wrong Way to Praise Your Kids?

2009-10-23T05:30:55Z

"You're so smart!" you tell your child when she brings home a spelling test. "You are such a great athlete!" is what we say after really any maneuver in the weekly soccer game. Our society is a feel good culture. This means having a positive attitude and creating high self-esteem in our children by praising them, constantly, almost reflexively. Nothing could be wrong with the above sentences, right? Well, maybe.

As Po Bronson discusses in his latest book, NurtureShock, written with Ashley Merryman, research at Stanford University led by Carol Dweck shows that the wrong kind of praise can actually harm your child's development. Kids given the general praise, "You're so smart" as opposed to being told, "Great job working hard" on an initial test actually did worse on subsequent tests and were less confident about their abilities in the face of challenges. These kids, who were praised for their innate abilities, actually chose simpler tasks that they knew they would do well on (and fit into the mold of being smart), than those praised for something more concrete, like their efforts. In a cross-cultural study done in Illinois and Hong Kong, kids were given a two part test. In the break in between, the research assistant told the mothers that their kids had not done well (regardless of their actual scores), and gave the mothers 5 minutes with their child before part two of the test. In the video footage, the American mothers avoided the topic of their child's performance completely, talked about other things, and were generally encouraging, whereas the Chinese mothers used that time to go over concepts with their kids. As a result the Chinese kids improved their scores by a whopping 1/3. The Stanford research also suggested that brain development is enhanced by a challenge, much like a muscle, and therefore kids given the kind of empty praise that would lead them to challenge themselves less, would not develop as much intellectually as a result.

So what are better ways for us to praise and encourage our kids?

Be specific:

"Great job working on your letters."

"You must have practiced your piano a lot this week, that sounded really great."

"I am so proud of you for trying so hard on your math homework this week. I can tell that you learned a lot."

"Great job sharing."

Switching over to this kind of specific praise will take practice, that is certain.

The one general, positive sentence that is only good and all good, concludes Bronson, is telling your kids, "I love you."

I Hate Santa Claus

2009-10-21T04:03:03Z

I really do and you should too. Any parent who has ever had to tell their children that Santa is not a real person who really speeds around the world in one night giving presents to all the good little girls and boys should know what I am talking about. And sure there is the 'Yes Virginia There Is a Santa Claus' philosophy but quite frankly that just perpetuates the story and/or sugar coats the truth. The fat man really doesn't slide down the chimney and eat the cookies you left out for him.

I hate the whole lying to children thing in the name of keeping the magic alive. I actually believe in magic. Honest to goodness with all my heart. But there was no magic tonight when I had to look into my son's welled up eyes and tell him that I was the one that put the presents under the tree. I am telling you I felt knives in my heart. I actually created that moment as for years I have been pretending it was Santa who read the wish list and made the toys in his workshop. For God's sakes I even wrote a letter back to my son from Santa, really cementing his existence in my son's mind. I am ashamed of what I have done.

Maybe I am extra sensitive as this is the second child I have had to 'tell' this month. I had to confess to my ten year old son the same thing and he took it even worse than the seven year old (read here for the details on that which will pull your heartstrings).

My challenge now lies in my three year old daughter. Tonight, together with my seven year old son, we decided not to rope her into this whole charade. We still have time to keep her from years of deceit. I will start off by telling her exactly what I told my son tonight when he said " Mom, all of my friends at school say that Santa Claus is really their moms," I will tell her that the 'Spirit of Santa' is real and exists in the hearts and minds of all of us because he represents love and generosity, but there is not actually a man in a red suit that comes down the chimney-- only for pretend.

Ugh, but then there are the Tooth Fairy and Easter Bunny!!!!! Anyone have any thoughts on how to handle those?!?!!?